A few oneliners to warm up the page...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When I was in high school, I gave serious thought to becoming a pharmacist, but I couldn't figure out how to get that little bottle in the typewriter.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On a tombstone a statement was written by a hypochondriac....... "See, I told you I was sick!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A doctor calls his patient to his office and says: "I have some good and some bad news for you. Which one you vant to hear first?" The patient says: "Good one, of course." "Okay, you have exactly one month left to live, the doctor says"." T...That is good news!?", the startled patient asks, "What is the bad one, then!?" The doctor's answer was: "Well, I forgot to tell you that last month..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
St. Peter is at the gate of heaven, when 3 people approach. He asks the first person, "what have you done to get in to heaven?" The person replies: "I am a heart doctor and I have saved hundreds of lives." St. Peter says "You can go in." He asks the second person "What have you done to get into heaven?" The person replies "I have delivered many healthy babies." St. Peter says "Go in." The last person approaches and St. Peter asks "And what have you done." The doctor replies "I worked for a managed health care company and saved them millions of dollars." St. Peter states "Come in, you get three days."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If you worry, you die, if you don't worry you still die. So why worry?!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man has all teeth pulled out for a med. exam for draft. The man in front of him is checked for hemooroids with a finger. The doctor says, "Yep you have hemroids. Your out.", then asks toothless "Whats wrong with you?" and he replies nnnnothing doc I'm fine.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WHY IS MY PLASTIC SURGEON
CALLED BY THAT NAME??
"HE ACCEPTS CREDIT CARDS"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One night my daughter was eating grits & eggs. My other daughter said, "Tracy, why are you eating breakfast at night?" To which Tracy replied, "Well, they say breakfast is the most important meal of the day, and I didn't have time to eat it this morning."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man went to psychiartrist.
He said "I feel that I am invisible." The doctor said, "Well, I can't
see you today!"
Now for the longer
ones if you have the time, some of them are pretty good. So, hang around
for a few and catch a laugh or two....also... if your not used to harsh
language you should be aware some of these are worth reading.. but there
are some words involved that you might not like.. so be your own guide
...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
87 WAYS FOR YOU TO KNOW YOU'VE BEEN ONLINE TOO LONG
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1. Tech Support calls "YOU" for help.
2. Someone at work tells you a joke and you say "LOL" out loud.
3. You find yourself trying to cock your head 90 degrees when you smile.
4. You have called out someone's screen name while making love to your
significant other.
5. You keep begging your friends to get an account so "we can hang out".
6. Three words: Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.
7. If you are male and see a female in the "Real" world that you wish to
meet, your first thought is to IM her.
8. If you are female and you see a male in the "Real" world that you wish
to meet, your first thought is that you wish he'd IM you.
9. You don't understand the humor in the above mentioned #7 and #8 since
the "real" world is at your fingertips.
10. You have to get a 2nd phone line just so you can call Pizza Hut.
11. When you have sex, you no longer are concerned about sexually transmitted
diseases.
12. You walk into a room, and, finding that it has more than 50 people,
you inform management that there is an error.
13. When looking at signs, you wonder why they are always "yelling" at
you.
14. You go up to people you are attracted to "in real life" and ask them
for their JPG.
15. Although you don't know what they look like, you become insanely jealous
of people hitting on your cyber-love.
16. You don't even know what your cyber-love looks like.
17. When at work, your boss constantly reminds you that the word i should
be capitalized.
18. You watch TV with the closed captioning turned on.
19. Your spouse now complains of you moving your fingers in your sleep
instead of talking.
20. Your kids are eating cereal morning, noon, and night.
21. When someone says, "What did you say?" you reply, "Scroll up!"
22. You find yourself sneaking away to the computer in the middle of the
night when your spouse is asleep.
23. You turn down the lights & close the blinds so people won't know
you're on-line again.
24. You know more about your Prodigy friends' daily routines than you do
your own spouse's.
25. You find yourself lying to others about your time on-line & when
they complain that your phone was busy you claim it was off the hook.
26. You have an identity crisis if someone is using a screen name close
to your own.
27. You would rather tell people that your bloodshot eyes are from partying
too much than the truth (online all night).
28. You change your screen names so much that you have to look at your
own MI to see who you are.
29. You go into labor and you stop to type a special E-mail to let everyone
know you're going to be away and how you're feeling.
30. You marry your cyberboyfriend/girlfriend and you both sit at your own
computers & chat to each other every night from across the room.
31. You type messages to people while you are on the phone with them at
the same time.
32. You understand the humor in all of these jokes because you have committed
then yourself!
33. Your dog leaves you.
34. You are doing things more and more that you swore you would never do
when you first got online.
35. You sign on & immediately get 10 IMs from people who you met you
the night before..
36. You have a map on the wall w/ LOTS of red thumbtacks to mark where
people are you have met.
37. You look at an annoying person off-line & wish you had your exclude
button handy.
38. You bring a bag lunch & a cooler to the computer.
39. Your significant other kisses your neck while you're chatting and you
think, "Uh oh, cyber sex perv".
40. You go thru "withdrawal" if you are away from the computer for more
than a few hours.
41. Your buddy list has over 100 people on it. (if you have AOL)
42. You understand what BIF ISO BIM means. (I wonder how many will get
this one...If so, you've been hanging out in *strange* places).
43. You wake up in the morning and the first thing you do is get online
before you have your first cup of coffee.
44. You have to inject no-doze into your butt to keep it awake.
45. You have your computer set so it goes directly into Prodigy's welcome
screen.
46. You wait 6 hours online for a certain "special" person to come home
from work.
47. You don't know where the time has gone.
48. You end sentences with 3 (or more) periods while writing letters by
hand.
49. Your relationship online has gone farther than any real one you have
had.
50. You get up at 2 am to go to the bathroom but turn on the computer instead.
51. You don't even notice anymore when someone has a typo.
52. You enter a room & 23 people greet you w/ {{hugs}} or **kisses**.
53. You stop typing whole words and use things like ppl, dunno and lemme.
54. Your voicemail/answering machine message is "BRB, leave your s/n &
I will TTYL".
55. You type faster than you think.
56. You got your psychiatrist addicted to Prodigy too & are now undergoing
therapy in private rooms instead of at his office.
57. You want to be buried with your computer when it dies or vice versa.
58. You actually enjoy the fact that you are addicted.
59. You can actually read & follow all the names of the cast that scrolls
up your TV screen at the end of a movie
60. People say, "If it weren't for your super reflexes in your eyes and
fingers, you would have been classified as a vegetable!"
61. You dream in "text".
62. Being called a Newbie is a "MAJOR" insult.
63. There is absolutely no interesting chat in any room & you're really
bored.
64. You don't want to leave in case you miss something.
65. You double click your TV remote.
66. You can now type over 70 wpm.
67. You think about starting a 12-step recovery group for Prodigy junkies.
68. You are on the phone a minute & need to do something else &
say "BRB" or "BBL".
69. You check your E-mail and forget you have real mail (a.k.a. snail mail).
70. You go into withdrawals during dinner.
71. You spend at least 30 minutes making sure you say goodbye to everyone
in a room.
72. You stop speaking in full sentences.
73. You have gone into an unstaffed Tech Support room & ended up "giving"
tech support to other Prodigy users.
74. You have to be pried from your computer by the "Jaws of Life".
75. Your last sexual experience was really just a "textual" experience.
76. You know what a "snert" is.
77. You set your kitchen on fire while cooking dinner because you wanted
to "check your mail" & while there you "just wanted to see who was
online".
78. You meet people from Prodigy in public & you have no idea what
their real name is, so you call them by their screen name.
79. You've even gotten on an airplane just to meet some folks face-to-
face.
80. When seeing someone you wish to meet, your second thought is wishing
they'd be on Prodigy so you don't have to meet them in person.
81. You have a vanity car tag with your screen name on it.
82. You no longer type with proper capitalization, puctuation , or
complete sentences.
83. You have met over 100 Prodigy people..
84. When meeting a stranger, you ask for their profile. If they have a
profile you ask them for an age/sex/location check.
85. You understand the humor in all of this.
86. You keep telling yourself to Get a Life.
87. When someone online says BRB, gotta go pee, you ask them to go for
you, and think they can.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
HeH...Now...how many of these did u Answer Yes to?? I know i have a few on there..Now..does this mean i have been online too long?? Yes it does..But I'm not changing it..hehehehehe..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A bad day in Heaven
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was
getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance
policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have
a really bummer day on the day that you died. The policy would go
into effect at noon the next day.
So, the next day at 12:01, the first person came to the gates of Heaven.
The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man,
"Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when
you died."
"No problem," the man said. I came home to my 25th floor apartment on my
lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was nowhere
in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife
was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment.
Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony
and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips!
The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped
on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know
it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't
die. This ticked me off even more.
In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands
on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was
the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony,
and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed
him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart
attack and died almost instantly."
The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have
a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announces,
"OK sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.
A few seconds later the next guy came up. To the Angel's surprise,
it was Vernon Jordan. "Mr. Jordan, before I can let you in, I need to hear
about what your day was like when you died."
Jordan said, "No problem. But your not going to believe this. I was
on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had
been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my
stress.
I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over
the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the finger tips on the
balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out
of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well
of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom which
broke my fall so I didn't die right away.
As I'm
laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating
pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony.
It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me killing me instantly. "
The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as Jordan finishes his story.
"I could get use to this new policy", he thinks to himself. "Very well,"
the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets Vernon
enter.
A few seconds later, President Clinton comes up to the gate. The Angel
is almost too shocked to speak. Thoughts of assassination and war
pour through the Angel's head. Finally he says "Mr. President, please tell
me what it was like the day you died."
Clinton says, "OK, picture this. I'm naked inside a refrigerator..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
-= 15 Things you NEVER say to a cop! =-
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1. Sorry, Officer, I didn't
realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
2. That hooker I met at
the AIDS clinic said you were a nice guy.
3. Hey, you must've been
doin' about 125mph to keep up with me! Good job!
4. I was going to be cop,
but I decided to finish high school instead.
5. Bad Cop! No Donut!
6. Your not gonna check
the trunk, are you?
7. I thought you had to
be in relatively good physical condition to be a Police Officer.
8. Lets do it different
this time... I will give you the breathalyzer test, now stick this in your
mouth and blow!
9. I can't reach my license
unless you hold my beer.
10. I bet I could grab that
gun before you finish writing my ticket
11. Is it true that people
become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?
12. I pay your salary!
13. Those sirens hurt my
ears, Apologize to me or I am not speaking to you.
14. Hey, man, you want a
hit?
15. Hey is that a 9 mm?
That's nothing compared
to this .44 magnum.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Rescuer...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A hurricane came up unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost. The
man found himself swept up on a shore on an island with no other people,
no supplies, nothing. Only, banana's and coconuts. Used to 5 star hotels,
this guy had no idea what to do. So, for the next four months he ate banana's,
drank coconut juice. He longed for his old life and fixed his gaze on the
sea, hoping, for some sign of a ship or a plane to rescue him. One day,
as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of
his eye. It was a rowboat.
Rowing it was the
most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. As she rowed up to him, he stared
in disbelief, and asked her, “Where did you come from?, How did you get
here?”
“I rowed over
from the other side of the island.” she responded. “I landed here when
my cruise ship sank.”
“Amazing!!”
he responded. “I didn’t know anyone else had survived.?!”, “How many of
you are there?”. “ You were lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you..”
“ It’s
only me.”, she responded “And the rowboat didn’t wash up, nothing did..”
This confused the man greatly, so he asked.” The how did you get the rowboat?”
“Oh simple,” she responded” I made the rowboat out of materials here
on the island. The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches. I wove the
bottom from palm tree branches. And the stern and sides came from a Eucalyptus
tree.”
“B-B-B-But, that’s impossible!!” he stuttered, “You had no tools or hardware.
How did you manage”
“Oh, that was no problem,” she replied. “On the other side of the island
there is an unusual stratum of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I
fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln it melted into forgeable ductile
iron. I used that for tools, and used tools to make the hardware. But,
enough of that,” she said. “Where do you live?”
Sheepishly, he confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole
time.
“Well, let’s row over to my place then.” she said. After about an
hour of rowing she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked
to the shore he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk
to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman tied
up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare
ahead, dumbstruck. As they walked into the house she said casually,” It’s
not much, but I call it home. Please, sit down, would you like a drink?”
“No, no thank you,” he responded, still dazed. “I just can’t take anymore
coconut juice.”
“No, It’s not coconut juice.” she replied. “ I have a still.
How about a Pina’ Colada?”
Trying to hide his amazement, he accepted, and they sat down on her couch
to talk. After they exchanged their stories, the woman announced,” I’m
going to slip into something comfortable. Would you like to take a shower
and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom.”
No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. Sure enough,
there, in the cabinet, was a razor made with a bone handle. Two shells
honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened onto it’s end inside a swivel
mechanism. “This is amazing,” he mused. “What next?”
When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vines, strategically
positioned, and smelling faintly of Gardenias. She beckoned for him to
come sit close to her. “Tell me,” she began suggestively, slithering closer
to him, “we’ve been out here for a very long time. You’ve been lonely.
There’s something I’m sure you really feel like doing right now,
something you’ve been longing for all these month’s. You know....” she
stared deeply into his eyes.
He couldn’t believe what he was hearing...” You mean....??” he questioned,
“I can check my E-mail from here..??!!!!”
A hurricane came up unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost. The
man found himself swept up on a shore on an island with no other people,
no supplies, nothing. Only, banana's and coconuts. Used to 5 star hotels,
this guy had no idea what to do. So, for the next four months he ate banana's,
drank coconut juice. He longed for his old life and fixed his gaze on the
sea, hoping, for some sign of a ship or a plane to rescue him. One day,
as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of
his eye. It was a rowboat.
Rowing it was the
most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. As she rowed up to him, he stared
in disbelief, and asked her, “Where did you come from?, How did you get
here?”
“I rowed over
from the other side of the island.” she responded. “I landed here when
my cruise ship sank.”
“Amazing!!”
he responded. “I didn’t know anyone else had survived.?!”, “How many of
you are there?”. “ You were lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you..”
“ It’s
only me.”, she responded “And the rowboat didn’t wash up, nothing did..”
This confused the man greatly, so he asked.” The how did you get the rowboat?”
“Oh simple,” she responded” I made the rowboat out of materials here
on the island. The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches. I wove the
bottom from palm tree branches. And the stern and sides came from a Eucalyptus
tree.”
“B-B-B-But, that’s impossible!!” he stuttered, “You had no tools or hardware.
How did you manage”
“Oh, that was no problem,” she replied. “On the other side of the island
there is an unusual stratum of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I
fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln it melted into forgeable ductile
iron. I used that for tools, and used tools to make the hardware. But,
enough of that,” she said. “Where do you live?”
Sheepishly, he confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole
time.
“Well, let’s row over to my place then.” she said. After about an
hour of rowing she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked
to the shore he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk
to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman tied
up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare
ahead, dumbstruck. As they walked into the house she said casually,” It’s
not much, but I call it home. Please, sit down, would you like a drink?”
“No, no thank you,” he responded, still dazed. “I just can’t take anymore
coconut juice.”
“No, It’s not coconut juice.” she replied. “ I have a still.
How about a Pina’ Colada?”
Trying to hide his amazement, he accepted, and they sat down on her couch
to talk. After they exchanged their stories, the woman announced,” I’m
going to slip into something comfortable. Would you like to take a shower
and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom.”
No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. Sure enough,
there, in the cabinet, was a razor made with a bone handle. Two shells
honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened onto it’s end inside a swivel
mechanism. “This is amazing,” he mused. “What next?”
When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vines, strategically
positioned, and smelling faintly of Gardenias. She beckoned for him to
come sit close to her. “Tell me,” she began suggestively, slithering closer
to him, “we’ve been out here for a very long time. You’ve been lonely.
There’s something I’m sure you really feel like doing right now,
something you’ve been longing for all these month’s. You know....” she
stared deeply into his eyes.
He couldn’t believe what he was hearing...” You mean....??” he questioned,
“I can check my E-mail from here..??!!!!”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Life .....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Let's say a
guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Donna. He asks her
out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few
nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves.
They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one
of them is seeing anybody else.
And then,
one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Donna, and,
without really thinking, she says it aloud: ''Do you realize that, as of
tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?''
And then there
is silence in the car. To Donna, it seems like a very loud silence.
She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that.
Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm
trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or
isn't sure of.
And Roger is
thinking: Gosh. Six months. And Donna is thinking: But, hey, I'm
not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I
wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether
I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward .
. . I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing
each other at this level of intimacy?
Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime
together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really
even know this person? And Roger is thinking: . . . so that means it was
. . . let's see . . . February when we started going out, which was right
after I had the car at the dealer's, which means . . . lemme check the
odometer . . . Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.
And Donna is
thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face.
Maybe I'm reading this completely
wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy,
more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that
I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's
why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's
afraid of being rejected.
And Roger is
thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again.
I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right.
And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time.
What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting
like a goddamn garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves ? $600.
And Donna is thinking:
He's angry. And I don't blame him.
I'd be angry, too.
God, I feel so guilty, putting him through
this, but I can't help the
way I feel. I'm just not sure.
And Roger
is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-
day warranty. That's
exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.
And Donna is
thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting
for a knight to come riding
up on his white horse, when I'm
sitting right next to a
perfectly good person, a person I enjoy
being with, a person I truly
do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person
who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.
And Roger
is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty?
I'll give them a goddamn
warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their .
. . .
''Roger,''
Donna says aloud.
''What?'' says
Roger, startled.
''Please don't
torture yourself like this,'' she says, her eyes
beginning to brim with tears.
''Maybe I should never have . . .
Oh God, I feel so . . .
. '' (She breaks down, sobbing.)
''What?'' says
Roger.
''I'm such
a fool,'' Donna sobs. ''I mean, I know there's no knight. I really
know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and
there's no horse.''
''There's no
horse?'' says Roger.
''You think
I'm a fool, don't you?'' Donna says.
''No!'' says
Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.
''It's just
that . . . It's that I . . . I need some time,'' Donna says.
(There is a
15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come
up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might
work.)
''Yes,''
he says.
(Donna,
deeply moved, touches his hand.) ''Oh, Roger, do you really
feel that way?'' she says.
''What way?''
says Roger.
''That way
about time,'' says Donna.
''Oh,''
says Roger. ''Yes.''
(Donna turns
to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very
nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse.
At last she speaks.)
''Thank you,
Roger,'' she says.
''Thank you,''
says Roger.
Then he takes
her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps
until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of
Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a
rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of.
A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major
was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way
he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't
think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)
The next day
Donna will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will
talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking
detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going
over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture
for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification.
They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe
months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored
with it, either.
Meanwhile, Roger, while playing pool one day with a mutual friend of his
and Donna's, will pause just before potting the black, frown, and say:
''Norm, did Donna ever own a horse?''
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Grandpa's Chocolate Chip Cookie
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
O.K. here goes...:)
One evening a grandfather and his grandson were at the walgreen's.
While the little boy looked around at the toy's.
the
grandfather wandered over by the adult books. After a short time had passed,
the boy wandered over from the toys to where his grandfather was.
Seeing the intent look on his grandfather's face he became curious
so he asked his grandfather," Grandpa, can i see what you're looking at?
"
The grandfather (who hadn't really seen the boy arrive) looked up from
his centerfold. Obviously in deep thought replied ," Well, I don't know.
Tell me, can you touch your pecker to your asshole?? "
"No," says the little boy, " No, Grandpa that I can't do."
"Well then, I guess you're to young still"
The boy accepted this without a thought. He knew that his grandpa was only
going by the " adult " rules he was still learning so much about.
Later the same evening the boy's grandma called the boy into the house.
When he came in he found she had just gotten done cooking some cookie's
for him. As he was sitting at the table enjoying the cookies and a glass
of milk, the grandfather comes into the room.
Smelling the warm cookie's he asked the boy," Can I get one of the cookie's
from you??"
The boy sat for a few seconds, obviously in VERY deep thought.
Finally he looks up at the grandfather and said," I'm not sure grandpa.
Can you touch your penis to your butt?"
"Why, yes I can." replied the grandfather proudly
" Well then grandpa.." the boy replied " You can go fuck yourself, grandma
made these cookie's for me..."
Well that's about all my limited
memory can remember for now so check in once in a while...
If you have a good one that I can include E me and I'll put it on if I
like it.. and yes I will give you credit for it... these I just don't rem
who I got them from...
